How To Respond to a Bullying or Manipulative Boss

In my previous post I talked about five common problems brought to coaching and addressed the first issue – the striver. Here they are to remind you:

1. Striving and a lack of joy in life
2. Working in a power/toxic culture including being bullied by a more senior manager or by peers
3. Making decisions when there is an inner conflict about what to do
4. Believing that being good at your job is what gets you to the top
5. Self confidence.

This time I am going to address the second issue, which is working in a culture where abuse of power is common and people who do not go along with it are targeted and bullied – no matter how senior they are.  Sometimes these people are somewhat innocent both in terms of innocent of the conduct they are accused of and innocent in terms of how the power game is played by people who get to the top in power cultures.

For some reason I find I work a lot with people to whom this happens. This is probably because they are decent people with solid values who believe that people are essentially good and fair. They are then surprised and shocked when they are on the receiving end of bullying or manipulative behaviour. Manipulative behaviour is more likely to be conducted with senior managers and includes ostracizing, excluding from meetings, gaslighting, excluding from informal events, criticising behind people’s backs, building alliances with others who withhold support and encouraging people to refuse to talk or listen to the person being manipulated.

So how do you address the bullying if this happens to you?  I am going to address this question by firstly outlining the assumptions I bring to it. This is important because you may not agree!  Secondly, I will look at it in terms of inner self management and outer self management.

1. Assumptions I bring to the question.

I tend to see organizations through the lens of power. I know that some will disagree so I think it is important to make my assumptions explicit.

• Organizations are arenas where power is contested. There will always be people and groups who have more or less power than others.
• The systems and culture of the organization will support the values of the dominant power coalition.
• According to Jim Sidanius, previously John Lindsay Professor of Psychology at Harvard, who developed the theory of social dominance (SD), those high in social dominance (a strong desire for power and the belief of their own superiority) tend to be attracted to powerful organisations that have tall hierarchies. Those low in SD are attracted to organisations with flatter hierarchies and where people share values around collaboration and distribution of power.
• Those high in SD tend to get to the tops of any organisations they work for because they understand how to use power. They manipulate, intimidate, adjust systems and processes to suit their needs and form alliances with people who will not challenge them. The only things that interest them are power, status, influence, wealth. They will ensure they do a ‘good enough’ job to get and stay in power but they are not interested in outstanding performance.
• They will work assiduously to eject anyone who is not like them or who they feel they cannot control. These are trouble makers and need to be ‘let go’ as soon as possible.

      2.  Inner Self Management.

Many of the cases I come across fit the above profile. In one case I am aware of, in the NHS, the senior manager clearly has a personality disorder of some kind, and has intimidated those below him, while flattering those above him, in order to create a toxic culture of bullying, racism and sexism where everyone is terrified of doing anything to challenge him. This includes senior Directors who are terrified of the damage to their reputation (think Justin Welby!).

So how can we use inner self management to counter the threat.  For me, the biggest threat is not being fired from the organization. Sacking is common and I often think back to the Bristol Royal Infirmary case where Stephen Bolsin, the anesthetist at Bristol, blew the whistle of the shocking case of the surgeons (clearly SDs) whose poor performance led to the deaths of nearly 30 children and the injury of more. His reward for his whistleblowing was to be sacked from Bristol and to be shut out from every job in the UK. He had to move to Australia in order to find a job.

No, the main risk for the person being bullied or manipulated is to leave the organization believing the lies that the SDs have concocted to justify their behaviour. Leaving, that is, with their confidence in tatters and confused about what they did wrong to justify the behaviour they experienced.

So the key here is to work with the inner dynamics of the individual being bullied. That means:

• Recognising that you are being bullied or manipulated. This is surprising as many people think it would be obvious. It isn’t, many people are manipulated into suspecting that what is being done to you is justified. If your friends tell you, you are being bullied, they are probably correct.
• Clearly identifying the ‘parts’ that are being triggered by the situation. This will include the ‘inner critic’ and other parts, developed in childhood, that tell the individual that they intrinsically lack value. These parts will tell the person being manipulated that the criticisms of the SD have some validity and that they are probably not up to the job.
• Working with these parts to help the individual manage and control them. Countering their messages with evidence. Expressing compassion to the self and to the parts that are only trying to offer misguided ‘help’ by keeping the bullied person ‘small’.
• Conducting research on the individuals and their allies to understand their motivations, strategy and tactics. This enables the coachee to distance themselves from the messages being perpetrated by the bullies.
• Cultivating the ‘observer’ part and also the ‘authentic’ part of the coachee and locating these parts in the body. Helping them step into these parts and feel the energy of confidence surging through their bodies; practising this process both on and off the job.
• Accepting the situation while also countering it! This means not railing against the unfairness of it all (life is unfair and you don’t want to waste your energy countering something you cannot control). However, you can bring out your inner fighter and do everything you can to counter the behaviour of the SDs in a calm but strong manner.

There are many other strategies but these are central to ensuring the bullied or manipulated person retains their self-belief and confidence.

3. Outer Self Management

This is about changing behaviour:

• Keep notes of all incidents that show evidence of manipulation, ostracization and bullying. Keep emails from the people involved as well as other staff – colleagues, support staff, HR etc. You may need these to contest an unfair dismissal case. It will also give you some power.
• Build alliances where you can. Talk to people you sense might be sympathetic. Don’t expect them all to support you. Many people are frightened of the situation and, given a choice, will support the bully when it comes out into the open. Behind the bully’s back however, they may privately agree with you and may offer to help. HR may or may not support you. Often HR are the arm of management. They may want to protect the reputation of the organization rather than help you. However, you may find that the person you are complaining about has a reputation and that HR will be collecting evidence and that your testimony will help them. They may be able to offer you private counselling or coaching to support you through this difficult time.
• Do not confront or challenge the bully, especially in public. This will infuriate them.
• Bullies tend to employ shame to control those around them. This may involve shouting at you in a public meeting, including Board meetings, humiliating and shaming you. I have come across lots of examples of this. If this happens you can choose to say something like: “I do not deserve to be shouted at in public”. I know this is challenging them but you may feel powerful enough to do this. You could also exit the room. If you do not feel able to do either of these, you go to your inner self-management and continually recite your mantra (previously created) e.g. ‘this is your shit not mine. You will not intimidate me. I will not be bullied by you. I am strong. My colleagues are feeling compassion for me.’
• Talk to lawyers (assuming you can afford it). They will be able to advise you further. Even if you end up leaving the organization, with a lawyers advice you may be able to negotiate a very favourable deal.
• You may have to start to look for another job – but remember, you do so with confidence and a clean mind, body and soul i.e. you have cleansed the toxicity that the bully has tried to plant in you.

I hope this has been of some help. Remember if you would like some coaching support to get you through a difficult time and help with countering manipulative behaviour, please contact me on karen@karenblakeley.com OR whatsapp me on 44 7977 857064. Good luck!